Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Dear 2014 Me

Dear Me,

It's 2014 where you are, but it's only 2013 here. I hope 2013 has been kind to you. I hope the things we wanted to happen, happened and I hope we were able to avoid pain and heartbreak.

I'm sure you remember, but in case you don't, let me tell you a bit about myself. Right now, it's New Year's Day. I'm at home, in that drafty old duplex. I hope you live somewhere better! Bigger, with more than one bedroom. I hope the sink works and the bathtub isn't always cold. I hope there's a nice backyard for the kids to play in. Most of all, I hope it's home.

We've had some great memories in this old duplex though. Do you remember when we brought Damien home? We couldn't stop staring at him. He was just laying beside us on that futon and even though we were trying to watch tv with Nate, the only thing we could see was our new baby. He was perfect. He's getting ready to turn 7 where you are, isn't he? And in grade 1! I can hardly believe it. He's just turning six now and becoming a little boy. What happened to my toddler? Heck, what happened to my baby!?

Remember when the power went off in January that year we just moved in? We were pregnant and it was sooo cold for days. We just huddled under the blankets all day with Nate, keeping each other warm.

Yes...I really hope you live somewhere better.

I hope you kept going to the gym. I'm going to start going either tomorrow or the next day. Pretty much as soon as I can. I hope you managed to keep it up the entire year. Did you lose all the weight you wanted? I'm desperately hoping so. We need this. You know better than anyone how hard it is to live like this. We thought it was easier than working out, didn't we? Oh, we're so foolish. It's hard and it hurts inside. I hope we changed it. I hope you feel amazing. I hope you're strong and brave now. A year is a long time. I can only imagine the transformation! I wish I could see you.

How is Nate? He's all done school where you are, isn't he? You must be so proud. He works so hard for us. How did we get so lucky? Sometimes I feel like we don't deserve him. He's so strong, such a good person. I hope you worked harder to deserve his love this year. I hope you were able to love him better. It's been 10 years where you are, hasn't it? Since that first day we stepped off that bus, scared as hell. Remember how sweet he was, kissing us gently beside the car before taking us to the home where we'd spend the next few years? Wow, we were naive. I can't believe how far we've come though. Take good care of him this year.

Did you get to see anyone from back home this year? Mel is planning on coming in the summer so we can go camping. Did that happen? Was it amazing? Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I get so homesick. I don't regret coming here, but I miss my family with such a physical pain...I hope you made the most of every moment. The time you spend with your family is precious. You don't know when you'll lose them. Promise me you'll never take those moments for granted.

Well, my hands are cold and my eyes are teary. I guess I better go. I hope this year was good to you. I hope that no matter what, you feel blessed and loved because you ARE! I know sometimes you get so down on yourself. You feel loathing and even hatred towards yourself sometimes. Stop it! You are amazing! I hope you realized that this year. I hope you learned to accept and love yourself. You're surrounded by people who love you.

I know it's 2014 where you are. I know you're looking back on 2013, hopefully with pride and accomplishment. I'm looking forward. It's a clean slate for me. Don't tell me how it's going to go. Don't spoil the freshness for me. Anything can happen. This is the year.


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