A Good Man

I've been seeing a lot of memes and "inspirational" quotes on Face and Pinterest lately. They've probably always been there, but I've just happened to notice them more lately. A few of them have stuck out on my mind and that's because they irritated me. They were about men and they perpetuated an idea that I think is not only false, but dangerous to our society.

I'm not going to post the quote and I'm not going to quote it either, mostly because I don't want to go look for it, but also because I don't want to continue its spread. The basic idea is that a "good" man is one who wants to be constantly with his woman and is sick when she's gone. He caters to her every whim in order to make her happy and is always there to support her emotions. In all honesty, that sounds pretty great, doesn't it? Like a Disney fairy tale almost.

Well that's because it is. That man doesn't exist and hoping and wishing for him to come along and sweep us off our feet is not only futile, but dangerous. It's dangerous for us as women and it's harmful to men. The minute we define a "good" man as something out of a fairy tale, we categorize all those who fall short as "not good" or failures and guess what? They all fall short. Maybe some come closer than others, but I promise you, no man in the world wants to be with you 100% of the time. Sometimes he's glad to be away from you. You're probably awesome but so is chocolate. If you ate chocolate at every meal and every snack, you'd get sick of it really fast.

The problem here is that this idea of a "good" man is based completely on what he can do for his woman. It's an idea that is based out of selfishness and need and when the man doesn't live up to what she wants, he's a dog.

Now, I've been married for 7 years and we've been together for almost 10 years, so I think I have a pretty decent grasp of male behavior. I don't think my husband is unique (though he IS pretty special ;) and I think he represents most men. He likes time away from me. *gasp!* He gets tired of my company! How awful. Or not, because I like time away from him too. It's actually healthy to have separate hobbies and pursuits. It's healthy to spend time apart because that makes your time together so much sweeter. You actually have things to talk about, you've missed the other person so you treasure your moments together. Nobody's life should be so wrapped up in another person that they're "sick" when the other person isn't around.

He also doesn't cater to my every whim and emotion (boooo!). As it turns out, I'm a woman. And women (sorry girls) are fickle creatures. Now, there are exceptions to every rule and maybe you're the exception, but I certainly am not. My emotions fluctuate and I'm not always reasonable. I thank God that my man is a steady rock that I can count on to keep me grounded. He tells me when I'm acting ridiculous. He doesn't give in to the depths of my emotions. He helps me be a stronger and better person by example.

So what IS a good man? I found this on Pinterest:

Source

I don't think we should judge men on their relationships with us. Sometimes love makes us weak and causes us to do silly things. I've also heard that we should judge men on how they treat their mothers. I don't think we should do that either. Some mothers weren't that great. 

I think we should judge a man by how he makes everyone around him feel. How he treats strangers, children and animals. By the decisions he makes when no one is watching. I have a theory that if we choose men of integrity, we'll never have to worry about him not spending enough time on us or not being there emotionally for us. A weak man may cater to our every whim just so we'll stay with him, but that doesn't make him a good man. A man of strength and character is a good man. Even good men mess up, but if we're judging men by the right characteristics, I think we'll be a lot more willing to forgive the mess ups and perhaps even be counting our blessings that such a good man chose us. 

I know I am. 

Ten Things I Love About You

1. Your eyes.

The shape of them. The color. The way they look when they're filled with love for me. The way they shine when you laugh. The way they see the world for what it really is, good and bad. The way they see me for what I truly am, good and bad.

2. Your smile.

The way it's so elusive. It's like the sun on a cloudy day. Sometimes it's hard to see, but when it finally comes out, the world just seems that much brighter and alive.

3. Your heart.

The way your tough exterior hides a heart of compassion. The way you always give to those in need when you see it. The way you believe in protecting the innocent, whether it be a child or an animal or an icky spider.

4. Your integrity.

The way you keep your word. Your work ethic. Your sense of justice and morality. Your loyalty. You are the man I would want to be if I were a man.

5. Your dedication to relationships.

The effort you put into maintaining relationships with the people you love. The work you've put into our marriage, the constant dedication to the relationships with your best friends. It speaks so well of you that your best friends are also strong men of integrity.

6. Your dedication as a father.

You have worked endlessly and tirelessly to provide for your family, doing things many would not in order to make sure your family has what they need. You are constantly striving to be a better man, a better role model for our children. Beyond that, you hold them with such tenderness and love. You joke and play with them and it makes me so proud that you are the father of my children. We are so blessed.

7. Your sense of humor.

You sometimes say I don't get it. And sometimes I don't, but I do get you. You are funny and charismatic. People enjoy being around you. You make people laugh and you make people think. Even when I don't get the joke or think it's funny, I do get that you are an amazingly witty person and I love that about you.

8. Your intelligence.

There's no question about how smart you are. What I love most about you is your dedication to lifelong learning. You constantly seek out information. If you don't know something about a subject, you make sure to educate yourself on it. You want to know what's going on in the world. You want to be able to speak intelligibly on any subject. This goes beyond school and I believe that it will continue to be a strong part of your life long after you've graduated.

9. Your self-discipline.

I often envy how easy it seems for you to stick to something, though I know it's not truly easy. Not many could have gone to the gym for 100 days in a row and I admire you for that and much more. I know that you can do anything you set your mind to. No, not just can. You will do anything you set your mind to. You have incredible potential and the self-discipline to back it up. I'm extremely proud of you.

10. The way you love me.

No one in my life has loved me as unconditionally as you. Through the worst times in our relationship and the best. Through pain and suffering and joy and happiness, you have been there for me. What's more, even in our darkest days, I've never truly felt like I would lose you. This speaks to your commitment to me and our marriage, that we'll always find a way to work it out. The security this gives me means more to me that I can ever express to you. Because of this, I also believe that we'll always find a way. You give me strength and hope. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to be like you. Most of all, you make me want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I love you.

That Lovin' Feelin'

I've been married for 6 years. I've been with my husband for 9 years. I feel as though by this time in my life, I have a little bit of insight on love.

My husband and I have a somewhat...what's the word...volatile relationship. Don't get me wrong here. It's not violent and it's not unstable. It's just...volatile. We're both stubborn, prideful people. We both hate being wrong. We argue, maybe more than most couples, and we annoy each other. Sometimes we wonder if we even have anything in common and if we even like each other. Other days, we're best friends. We appreciate each other and support each other and make each other feel as though they're the most important thing in the world to us.

It's pretty much like a roller coaster ride. And honestly? I'm completely ok with that. It's our dynamic. It's who we are. We're always striving to be better, but I don't think we're failing at marriage. I think we've got it nailed.

There's a common thread in our marriage, no matter if we're up or down. We are committed to each other. The "divorce" word has been thrown around in fights, but only in the heat of the moment. We've claimed we're breaking up, but only in anger. Even when we say the words, we know in our hearts they aren't true. No matter how angry we get, we're in this forever. We believe, with every ounce of our being, that we can overcome anything. Notice what I said there, because it's important. WE can overcome anything.

The reason it is important is because most of the time people will say, "Love can overcome anything!" It's usually a romantic comedy spewing that crap. (I love a romantic comedy as much as the next woman, but when it comes to love, they're crap. Sorry.) Love can't overcome anything because love isn't a THING. It's not a feeling. It's not googly eyes and cupid and red hearts and flowers and chocolate. It's not weddings and dates and steamy nights. That's passion. That's lust. It's infatuation. And it goes away. If you are counting on your passion for someone else to get through the hard times, you will fail. Passion fades.

Love though. Love is dirty. It's messy. It's painful and hard and raw. It's choosing to tough it out when it seems so hopeless. It's putting your relationship before yourself. It's commitment. Love remains only when we make the choice to keep it around, only when we put in the hard work.

People don't get a divorce because they're incompatible. They don't get a divorce because they have "fallen out of 'love' (aka, passion). That's a lie that people tell each other to ease their conscience. Marriages fail because people are unwilling to try any longer. The feelings of passion have long since faded and the work is too hard, the rewards too few.

Love is a choice. Love is smiling at that man even though he left the bathroom light on AGAIN even though you've told him a million times to turn it off when he goes out and now you're just irritated! (Hypothetically speaking, of course.) Love is comforting that woman even though she's irritable and annoying AGAIN over something that doesn't even matter or make sense. It's making a choice that no matter what, you will fight through and be the one person that the other can count on. It's staying true to your vows, true to your promises to each other, even when the passion has dwindled.

Nothing great has ever been earned without hard work. The great marriages are the ones that were worked on, day in and day out. One of my life goals is to be married to the same man my entire life. Not just any man. My man. Nathan. The one I chose. The one who chose me. The man I love, every day, no matter what.