A Good Man

I've been seeing a lot of memes and "inspirational" quotes on Face and Pinterest lately. They've probably always been there, but I've just happened to notice them more lately. A few of them have stuck out on my mind and that's because they irritated me. They were about men and they perpetuated an idea that I think is not only false, but dangerous to our society.

I'm not going to post the quote and I'm not going to quote it either, mostly because I don't want to go look for it, but also because I don't want to continue its spread. The basic idea is that a "good" man is one who wants to be constantly with his woman and is sick when she's gone. He caters to her every whim in order to make her happy and is always there to support her emotions. In all honesty, that sounds pretty great, doesn't it? Like a Disney fairy tale almost.

Well that's because it is. That man doesn't exist and hoping and wishing for him to come along and sweep us off our feet is not only futile, but dangerous. It's dangerous for us as women and it's harmful to men. The minute we define a "good" man as something out of a fairy tale, we categorize all those who fall short as "not good" or failures and guess what? They all fall short. Maybe some come closer than others, but I promise you, no man in the world wants to be with you 100% of the time. Sometimes he's glad to be away from you. You're probably awesome but so is chocolate. If you ate chocolate at every meal and every snack, you'd get sick of it really fast.

The problem here is that this idea of a "good" man is based completely on what he can do for his woman. It's an idea that is based out of selfishness and need and when the man doesn't live up to what she wants, he's a dog.

Now, I've been married for 7 years and we've been together for almost 10 years, so I think I have a pretty decent grasp of male behavior. I don't think my husband is unique (though he IS pretty special ;) and I think he represents most men. He likes time away from me. *gasp!* He gets tired of my company! How awful. Or not, because I like time away from him too. It's actually healthy to have separate hobbies and pursuits. It's healthy to spend time apart because that makes your time together so much sweeter. You actually have things to talk about, you've missed the other person so you treasure your moments together. Nobody's life should be so wrapped up in another person that they're "sick" when the other person isn't around.

He also doesn't cater to my every whim and emotion (boooo!). As it turns out, I'm a woman. And women (sorry girls) are fickle creatures. Now, there are exceptions to every rule and maybe you're the exception, but I certainly am not. My emotions fluctuate and I'm not always reasonable. I thank God that my man is a steady rock that I can count on to keep me grounded. He tells me when I'm acting ridiculous. He doesn't give in to the depths of my emotions. He helps me be a stronger and better person by example.

So what IS a good man? I found this on Pinterest:

Source

I don't think we should judge men on their relationships with us. Sometimes love makes us weak and causes us to do silly things. I've also heard that we should judge men on how they treat their mothers. I don't think we should do that either. Some mothers weren't that great. 

I think we should judge a man by how he makes everyone around him feel. How he treats strangers, children and animals. By the decisions he makes when no one is watching. I have a theory that if we choose men of integrity, we'll never have to worry about him not spending enough time on us or not being there emotionally for us. A weak man may cater to our every whim just so we'll stay with him, but that doesn't make him a good man. A man of strength and character is a good man. Even good men mess up, but if we're judging men by the right characteristics, I think we'll be a lot more willing to forgive the mess ups and perhaps even be counting our blessings that such a good man chose us. 

I know I am. 

That Lovin' Feelin'

I've been married for 6 years. I've been with my husband for 9 years. I feel as though by this time in my life, I have a little bit of insight on love.

My husband and I have a somewhat...what's the word...volatile relationship. Don't get me wrong here. It's not violent and it's not unstable. It's just...volatile. We're both stubborn, prideful people. We both hate being wrong. We argue, maybe more than most couples, and we annoy each other. Sometimes we wonder if we even have anything in common and if we even like each other. Other days, we're best friends. We appreciate each other and support each other and make each other feel as though they're the most important thing in the world to us.

It's pretty much like a roller coaster ride. And honestly? I'm completely ok with that. It's our dynamic. It's who we are. We're always striving to be better, but I don't think we're failing at marriage. I think we've got it nailed.

There's a common thread in our marriage, no matter if we're up or down. We are committed to each other. The "divorce" word has been thrown around in fights, but only in the heat of the moment. We've claimed we're breaking up, but only in anger. Even when we say the words, we know in our hearts they aren't true. No matter how angry we get, we're in this forever. We believe, with every ounce of our being, that we can overcome anything. Notice what I said there, because it's important. WE can overcome anything.

The reason it is important is because most of the time people will say, "Love can overcome anything!" It's usually a romantic comedy spewing that crap. (I love a romantic comedy as much as the next woman, but when it comes to love, they're crap. Sorry.) Love can't overcome anything because love isn't a THING. It's not a feeling. It's not googly eyes and cupid and red hearts and flowers and chocolate. It's not weddings and dates and steamy nights. That's passion. That's lust. It's infatuation. And it goes away. If you are counting on your passion for someone else to get through the hard times, you will fail. Passion fades.

Love though. Love is dirty. It's messy. It's painful and hard and raw. It's choosing to tough it out when it seems so hopeless. It's putting your relationship before yourself. It's commitment. Love remains only when we make the choice to keep it around, only when we put in the hard work.

People don't get a divorce because they're incompatible. They don't get a divorce because they have "fallen out of 'love' (aka, passion). That's a lie that people tell each other to ease their conscience. Marriages fail because people are unwilling to try any longer. The feelings of passion have long since faded and the work is too hard, the rewards too few.

Love is a choice. Love is smiling at that man even though he left the bathroom light on AGAIN even though you've told him a million times to turn it off when he goes out and now you're just irritated! (Hypothetically speaking, of course.) Love is comforting that woman even though she's irritable and annoying AGAIN over something that doesn't even matter or make sense. It's making a choice that no matter what, you will fight through and be the one person that the other can count on. It's staying true to your vows, true to your promises to each other, even when the passion has dwindled.

Nothing great has ever been earned without hard work. The great marriages are the ones that were worked on, day in and day out. One of my life goals is to be married to the same man my entire life. Not just any man. My man. Nathan. The one I chose. The one who chose me. The man I love, every day, no matter what.

Developing Relationships with our Children

It can be so easy for us as parents to get caught up in our roles as mother or father. The day to day grind is filled with moments of exasperation, frustration and "because I said so, that's why!" We know what's best and we just want them to listen. If their room gets clean that day without 30 minutes of nagging, well, that's a victory right there!

It's easy to overlook the hearts of our children when we're so caught up in their actions and behavior. But actions stem from the heart. Even more than training our children to do their chores and behave properly, it's our job to teach our children that they are important members of a community. As members of that community, be it the family unit, a social network of friends, or school, they are important. The greatest gift we can give our children is teaching them that they have value.

How do we do that? How do we impress upon our children a sense of self-worth and value? There is truly only one way: Show them. When we, our child's greatest example, treat them with respect, we are teaching them that they have worth. When we make a conscious effort to build a relationship with our children, we teach them that they are deserving of our time and energy. We need to listen to our children, not just talk at them. We need to remember that they are people with dreams and desires, hopes and fears. Even more important, they don't know how to channel this inner dialogue. It's up to us to teach them how to focus on what is important to them and let them know that if it's important to them, it's important to us.

Does this mean indulging every childish whim? Heavens no. But it does mean that we need to take the time to open a dialogue with our children and have a genuine child-led conversation with them. I think everyone would agree that marriage takes a lot of hard work to be successful. Why, then, do we think that our relationship with our children should come naturally?

I've included several links at the bottom of this post for suggestions on how to open a dialogue with your children. The relationship between a parent and a child is one of the greatest love stories of humanity. Nurture it. Water it. Let it grow. You only have this kind of influence for a short time.


19 Things We Should Say To Children

20 Pillow Talk Questions for Children

10 Habits to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Child